Saturday, April 25, 2009

The "When Pigs Fly" flu

I'm sure you've all heard about the new , possibly pandemic, Swine/Avian flu outbreak in Mexico. I have named it the "Whenpigsfly flu. Get it? Swine... birds... WEll, I thought it was pretty clever!

Don and I were driving down to Ashlyn's BYU Business School graduation and, of course, we were accompanied by Don's usual driving companion, Michael Rantin' Savage. Thats' MICHAEL*#@!!*!* SCREAMING, RANTING in a Brooklyn accent, condescending, SPITTLE-FLYING, Illegal Immigrant HATING, TERRORIST CONSPIRACY THEORIST, SAVAGE!!! How can anyone listen to that man shriek, on high volume, for 8 hours a day and not be affected? Anyway, I am like, "Please God, strike me deaf now!" I am trying all of the techniques I know to not listen and not react. I CAN'T STAND IT!!!! It is torture, "waterboard me now! Just no Savage, pleeease!!"

This is where I heard about the new strain of Swine/Avian flu , a type of Influenza-A. I also learned that Syphilus what brought to Spain from South America by the conquistadors who were having sex with the llamas... guess those long-eyelashed, doe eyed llamas offered something the Indian women, whom they enslaved and raped, couldn't. Also, AIDS came from having sex with monkeys, not from possibly eating/ handling infected monkey meat. I was just waiting to hear Chicken Pox came from having sex with chickens. Surprisingly, according to the rantin' Savage, the new Swine/Avian flu had nothing to do with barnyard/ chicken coop trysts but is a bio-terrorist creation sent to Mexico to be spread to the unsuspecting U.S. citizens by ILLEGAL ALIENS CROSSING OVER OUR UNPROTECTED BORDERS !!!! (I will excuse you while you wipe that little bit of spit off your cheek.)

Anyway, all this was screamed over the airwaves in conjuncton with the new flu announcement.

Don is worried that I will probably be infected by one of the many Mexican/American kids I work with all day. (I say Mexican/American, not to be P.C. but because, while many of their parents may be illegal, most of the kids were born in the U.S.) "Half of them probably live with someone who just came over the border!"

AND..."You never wash your hands!" he informs me. Whatever. I wash my hands several times a day. What I need to do is wear a mask. My whole day revolves around working in close contact with coughing, sniffling, sneezing , snotty-nosed kids. I am usually surrounded by these kids with nothing but two feet of formica covered, kidney shaped table between us. Sneeze particles travel over that short distance in a nano second. "Cover your mouth! Get a tissue! Wash your hands!", are my constant admonitions!

So, in the next little while, if I come down with the "whenpigsfly" flu, the terrorists will have won.
Rantin' Savage will be right. And Don will say, sadly shaking his head, "She never washed her hands."


lifeinredshoes said...

And he will be right again....dammit

kelly said...

Those sneaky damn terrorists have done it again...

Barry Cann said...

Your liberalism is a disease! (said in a very brooklyn accent) ;)