Tuesday, March 27, 2012

A Reprieve

Well, I still have my job, the one I love!

Friday afternoon at 3:00, everyone got an email that basically said, "If I haven't met with you this week, you will be in the same job next year."  I breathed a sigh of relief, getting teary as I read it to my office-mate.Two teachers were released from their contracts, seven others shifted to other grades. It wasn't just my imagination.

I am a person who is always "waiting for the other shoe to drop". Why do I always fear that the good spot I'm in can't last forever?  I somehow think of my worrying as being prepared, always steeled against disappointment. But why do I anticipate disappointment? To maintain a sense of control? Because I feel that I don't really deserve happiness? I don't know...

So, with a little survivor's guilt, I happily look to next year. I hear that there will be many changes in the program I am involved in, but as I said, "Baby, I'll do anything.."

Thanks for listening to my worries, Cathy


Thursday, March 22, 2012

I love you I need you I want you.

I hate feeling like I'm "outta the loop", like somebody knows something I don't...about me. And that is what is going on lately at work. So, it is with much anxiety that I announce I may have a big post after this weekend...or later...depending on how long the powers that be drag this thing out, this batch of intrigue, speculation, and questioning, served with a steaming cuppa' hot resentment and angst. Moving people around like chess pieces. It's good to mix things up.

I think... or I may just be suffering from paranoia. But I'm feeling the vibes.

Things are starting to line up, like all of the pointed looks while being asked vague but leading questions. Questions for which I don't have an answer. I look back on conversations and think, "Oh my gosh, is THAT what they were getting at, is THAT why they asked ..."

I've had it pretty good these last 10 years. I've loved my job. Loved it. I felt like I was led to it by Providence. It was where I was meant to be.
Five years ago I went from simply loving it, to needing it, when I went full-time to provide my family with health insurance. Then, it was something I was glad that I loved, because there was no going back, especially having joined the ranks of  The Cancer Patient.
And now, I want it, want it with an "I'll do anything baby, just don't leave me!" desperation.

Insert a thoughful pause, punctuated by small shoulder shrug, with raised eyebrows, here.

Let's hope I'm a little paranoid.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Old Friend

I have been thinking so often of an old friend lately, and for me that usually means something.

I have had dreams, intuitions, and other things that are meaningful to me and that have been "spot-on". While I don't consider myself psychic, by any means, I do have these experiences (for lack of a better word), that are unexplained and out of the blue.

These thoughts I was having were most strong last week and, being unable to contact my friend, I just hoped for the best and put them out of my mind. Then, the other night I on my way home from Parent Teacher Conference, I flipped on the radio and heard a little known artist on a nighttime Jazz program that I rarely, if ever, listen to.  Boy, that music took me back to the olden days, when we were friends. Then, today I saw something on MSN's home page that was strongly tied to this old friend and my thoughts were once again at the forefront.

On the very small chance that they might check my blog from time to time...

Old Friend,
Out of the blue, you've been strongly in my thoughts. I hope all is well for you and your family, that you are all happy, healthy... wealthy and wise : ) Just hope everything is good for you and that you still listen to Claude Bolling every now and then. Take care.

Your old friend, Cathy