Reading Between the Lines

The following is an email exchange between my daughter and me.
"Are you at court today? How are you? I am in such a bad mood, dad started it off this morning talking abt. "yeah, just think, only so many days of daylight savings left. I cant wait!"  I have told him a hundred times, I hate when daylight savings ends. I dont care if it's light in the MORNING! I'd rather have it light at night! So I finally asked him if he really didn't know how I felt abt.it and if he did, how come he had to keep rubbing my nose in it when I've TOLD him a million time I dont WANT TO HEAR it!  It just bugged me! I wouldnt keep reminding him about something that   was going to happen that he didn't want to happen. Im sure he just thought, "wow SHE"S in a bad mood" but I wasn't til he started in. AND he didnt leave any light on for me downstairs, he comes up after his breakfast and shuts everything off. THAT bugs me, it's pitch dark, leave a light on for me.  arghhhhhhh! guess i am in a bad mood hahaha   ugh! well, hope you are having a good day and are in a good mood! : )  love you, mom

I was at court this morning. It was okay- I wasn’t there that long. There’s a door man/bailiff that thinks he’s the shiznit (creepy middle age guy) and he is always discriminating against women. “Take off your shoes” “Put that in the bin” etc etc when he doesn’t make the MEN take off their shoes. He’s an ass. Kirk has complained to the court about him before b/c of the way he acts and he changed for a little bit, but he’s getting back into old habits.

I’ve been moody the past couple of days. I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s hard! I also hate…no loathe, when daylight savings ends. Seriously, I get really depressed. I might go tanning once a week, as I heard that helps. But I don’t want to get burnt…hmm…it just sucks. That is rude of dad- I HATE when people don’t leave a light on. Dad just doesn’t think or consider other peoples thoughts/feelings. He just seriously doesn’t get it.  I sorry. Let’s do fun things this winter! I hope your day gets better! We’re ordering lunch today from Village Baker b/c of a birthday. I got egg salad (no bread) and a spinach salad. Sounded good!

Talk to you soon- Love you!!! shan

So many things said here. 

We are both dieting, low carb. Mmmm egg salad and spinach salad! Yum! My choices today were "grilled cheese" (only in the loosest sense of what a good grilled cheese sandwich is) mini-corndogs, frozen burrito. We no longer have a daily salad bar for teachers, only on Wed. and Fri. So it was an apple for me. My weight has steadily been climbing since school started and I've got to get back on the stick...celery stick!

We both are "seasonally affected". While I don't get really depressed, too badly, it is just so sad for me to see the days shorten. Then I remember, you just have to make it til Dec. 21st and the days lengthen once more!

I am trying to stay positive too. She actually ovulated this month and you cant help but get your hopes up.

He really doesn't get it.

I feel better already : )

Wonderful Saturday

Wonderful Saturday, what made thee such a wonderful Saturday?

Was it because there was some sunshine peeking through the clouds, on a beautiful vista of snow capped mountains across the valley? Even with the temperature being 50 degrees, very un-like what we usually think early October should be, it was still a beautiful morning.

Was it the usual NPR Saturday line-up, which never fails to make me think and laugh? It always accompanies me on my journeys to the many exciting destinations of a Saturday morning, like the grocery store. It makes me sad to turn off the car in the middle of a great story and I admit spending way too much time sitting in the car, in the Smith's parking lot, listening til the end of "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me". I had a thought today, that maybe I could use my phone to listen with earphones to a podcast. Would people think I was crazy as I burst into laughter, or made some other seemingly inappropriate expression, as I walked the aisles with my cart? Probably.

Was it because we had a fun lunch date with friends, friends who "get us", who laugh at and with us? After lunch, we went over to the mall to buy Don some "excercise shorts" in his words, otherwise known as basketball shorts and a dress shirt. But when he talked about them he kept getting mixed up saying he had to "buy some dress shorts", so that was the running joke...yes, I know, we are easily amused and I guess you had to be there, but those are the kinds of silly things that cause friends to laugh, with and at each other, things that no one else would find funny. Our friend needed new jeans and there was much talk about changing sizes, styles, rises, washes.  We two wives decided he should get the kind endorsed by sexy Mike (Dirty Jobs) Rowe. Lee Jeans knows well, the demographic of  their customers.

Don and Barry left early for the BYU game. As soon as the door closed, I turned off the television, leaving me alone in the house with only the sound of the clock ticking. This is something that I love, but seldom get to enjoy.

And so I sit in the quiet, with only a few well chosen lamps burning softly and type

It was a wonderful Saturday.

Going Back to Cali.

I often see friends and acquaintances reporting on a girl's weekend or girl's mini-vacay on facebook and blogs. They're usually enjoying some bff or sister time in Vegas, a cabin or on a cruise and I've always lamented that I'd never been on one. Well, this weekend my mom and her three girls went down to So. Cal for my uncle's funeral. Yes, for me to get a mini-vacay someone has to die.

My mom's younger brother passed away last week after a short fight with cancer, so my daughter Shannon, sister Cheryl and I drove down to Hurricane Utah to pick up my mom. After spending the night, we left the next morning for L.A., a trip of about 6 hours. I grew up in L.A. and dropping down Cajon Pass feels like entering the home stretch, almost there, the portal to my past. For all its traffic, graffiti, and SMOG, I still wouldn't mind living there IF I had enough (a lot of) money and the rest of my family were down there, too. Of course, that's easy to say when your just there for a short visit, staying in a darling little cabin home in Mountain Pass, on the road to Lake Arrowhead.

While there we visited the largest cemetery in the U.S. and tromped around several aptly named areas: Garden of Serenity, Garden of Tranquility, Garden of Eternal Rest, you get the idea, whilst looking for the grave-sites of our dearly departed. The kind, if stupid, employees of the largest cemetery in the U.S. drew elaborate directions on maps which proved to be more confusing than anything else. We finally found and photographed the headstones, with Shannon acting as our bird dog, more often than not finding the grave site before anyone else, then standing on the spot and waving her arms silently, so as not to wake the dead. As we spread out and walked the rows in a kind of search party formation, the cemetery security force cruised by a couple of times probably thinking we were one of those bands of bronze thieves, but upon asking if we could be helped, they realized we were just hapless illiterates, unable to read a cemetery map.

We wanted to go to someplace for dinner that held memories for us and settled on the North Woods Inn. The faux log lodge with snow-covered roof was always a special occasion destination. Inside stained glass lamps provided a dim, rosy light, the waiters sang Happy Birthday Barbershop style and while waiting for your reservation you drank Shirley Temples and ate peanuts throwing the shells on the floor! It was pretty much the same and we were all a little giddy that we had stepped back into a time-machine, reliving so many happy occasions.

Next morning, I woke up early and Shan came with me to make the trip into town to buy a Chinese Donut. Chinese donuts, imh, are the best donuts in the world. If you want a good donut, at least in So.Cal., find a little strip mall Chinese food place that makes and sells donuts in the morning. I'm not kidding!

Shan and me in the back row, sister Cheryl to my right. Mom right in front of me and my sister Tracy to mom's left. 

I'm not going to continue with the travel log, other than to say the funeral was a good funeral, the trip home long, the personality clashes few, but hey, we are four very strong personalities, mama didn't raise no shrinking violets. We have decided that this must happen again, this Baker Girl excursion! My mom just relished being with her girls and we all feel the same! We'll go back!

It's not your job to like me - it's mine.

I am a pleaser.

Over the decades of my life, I have become less a pleaser than I used to be, but I am a pleaser, just the same.
One of the problems with being an evolving pleaser is that now, when I find the gumption to do things my way or say what I think, I am often overcome with remorse.
"Why did I say that outloud?"
"What was I thinking!"
"What will they  think?"

I know lots of people that never waste a minute worrying in this way. They happily and unashamedly announce to the world their opinions, insights and arguments, never worrying about fallout.
Recently I was visited by a woman I didn't know well, someone who wanted to get to know me better. As we talked about "how I was doing" I recounted my experience with cancer, work, children and other things that woman talk about. Then she asked me a more personal question and before I answered, I thought to myself, "I'm going to be candid."

I  got the feeling that she was a little disconcerted at my "telling it like it is." Maybe surprised at what I had to say, she was very sympathetic but I thought I caught some alarm in her eyes.
Of course, immediately after opening-up, I regretted it. Now she knew my "secret", would it stay a secret? Would there be fall-out. (I realize you're probably wondering what in the heck I'm talking about, but I have to be a little circumspect here. )

On the one hand it felt good to be...I guess you could say, honest.  I know it didn't please her. It sent me into my usual speakers remorse and wondering what got into me. So, this evolving into a more honest yet tactful person is hard work, much easier just to say what people want to hear.
But I will keep at it, in a nice way.

Time for School

The other day I was bemoaning the fact that I had to start back to school August 16th. I realize I am lucky to even get "the summer" off, but that doesn't make it any easier to go back once those 9 weeks are over, especially if you spent 6 of them getting radiation. Waa, waa, waa. Yes, I DO want some whine with my cheese!

All that aside, it is time for school. There is no denying it. Summer is over.
I have noticed the angle of the shadows have changed, the quality of light is different then high Summer. It's dark earlier and the sun is rising later, nights are cooler.
So, complain all I want, the season speaks for itself. Fall equals school.

Summer is the time I build relationships, visiting people I don't get to see very often and going to lunch with friends and relatives.
It is about the only time I shop for fun.
It is the time I usually pursuit some creative activity and enjoy cultural events.
Summer is the time I am outside.

I need to find a way to fit these activities in during the working portion of the year, dinner instead of lunch, indoor concerts in the place of outdoors, quick weekend trips. Shop on my way home from school and don't wait til Saturday to clean and grocery shop. Yeah! that's it! I'll let you know how it goes.

In the meantime, I am at school. Next week will bring the students and after a week it will feel like I was never gone. I love my job!

Summer of the Gamma Rays is Officially Done, Finito, Complete!

This morning I took my last daily 9 mile ride up State Street to the IMC Cancer Center for my last radiation treatment. For 6 weeks I made the trip, enjoying our beautiful, sometimes rainy finally hot, Utah Summer mornings. The usual soundtrack accompanying this roadtrip was some fine KRCL tunes or the companionship of Kerry, Bill and Gina.
In the mornings I felt energetic, glad to be up and busy at 8:00 a.m. Then as the day progressed, like a wind-up monkey beating his drum ever slower, I'd tire and slow down. That is, until the last 2 weeks. By then I wasn't quite as chipper in the morning and by the afternoon, I was in a tired fog. The skin under my breast and my armpit were burnt, purple, crack-y, yeah, it hurt. My wardrobe was adjusted to allow for maximum comfort and on the occasions when I felt like I had to wear a good bra to be presentable, I'm sure the people around me were wondering what I was doing fidgeting so much with my armpit. I didn't care.
My usual Radiology team: Carolann, Kimberley and Mark (here's where the tears start) were so sweet to me, so kind, friendly and professional. When you see people every day for 6 weeks, topless, a bond grows. I know they must see over 30 patients a day, but they still made me feel like I was important, not just another broken boob on a table. I know that, having rang the "finished bell", I will soon be replaced with another unfortunate soul with cancer. Odds are, from studying the demographics of my waiting roommates; a middle aged woman  much like me, or a 65+ man, will take my seat awaiting their turn to be cured by otherwise deadly radiation.

What can I take from this experience?

It is always best to put your happy face forward and act better than you feel, until a true friend comes along and knowingly let's you cry on their shoulder.
Everyone is fighting a hard battle, so be nice.
I really do eat when I'm tired and should be resting. Rest instead and don't let yourself feel useless.
and finally...
When you are traveling along life's highway, even to an unpleasant destination, enjoy the beauty along the way. Utah mornings are mighty pretty!

My life doesn't look like this...

this picture is not from blog mentioned in post, only used as an example of photography type

The following quote is for reals.  Not my "reals", but someone else's "reals". Someone from Hackensack.


"These next two weeks are crazy! I'm scrambling to get all my work finished before we leave for a family beach vacation in the Outer Banks of North Carolina, then off to France and Switzerland (sans Henry!) at the end of August. Plus, a couple of my girlfriends from NY and I are renting a little beach house just north of San Francisco for three nights this coming week and I'm giddy with excitement for a girls getaway. Hoping a little R&R will rejuvenate me for the next couple weeks of work."


I happened upon this entry from some random blog, you know the kind, beautifully shot, overexposed photos of pretty people living fabulously carefree, stylish, happy lives. Oh, I guess I shouldn't say carefree, there are  times (documented in one of the above mentioned photos) when "Henry" eats all of the Williams Sonoma Parisian Macaroons that grandmommy sent or he gets a sunburn while at grandmommy's charming cottage on Balboa Island.

I do hope though, that she is "rejuvenated for the next couple weeks of work". I have no idea what her "work" entails and I have no plans to go back and find out.

Just interesting to get a glimpse of how others live...and I am in a pissy mood.

That being said, I have to wonder why this bothers me. Am I jealous? My life is pretty darn good, even though I'm not jetting off to France or having a girl's weekend at a beach house..hell, I've never even had a girl's weekend. Unless you count the time me and Bridgette went down to my folks in Hurricane. hahahaha
Coolio said in his song Gangster's Paradise,  "too much television watchin' got me chasin' dreams".
Is that what happens when we look at these blogs? Life is good, we're happy, but if we look too long, pretty soon we're dissatisfied,  jealous, cynical...chasin' dreams?

I don't know. For now I'll chalk it up to being in a pissy mood. And maybe I need to take more pictures in over-expose mode.