A Reprieve

Well, I still have my job, the one I love!

Friday afternoon at 3:00, everyone got an email that basically said, "If I haven't met with you this week, you will be in the same job next year."  I breathed a sigh of relief, getting teary as I read it to my office-mate.Two teachers were released from their contracts, seven others shifted to other grades. It wasn't just my imagination.

I am a person who is always "waiting for the other shoe to drop". Why do I always fear that the good spot I'm in can't last forever?  I somehow think of my worrying as being prepared, always steeled against disappointment. But why do I anticipate disappointment? To maintain a sense of control? Because I feel that I don't really deserve happiness? I don't know...

So, with a little survivor's guilt, I happily look to next year. I hear that there will be many changes in the program I am involved in, but as I said, "Baby, I'll do anything.."

Thanks for listening to my worries, Cathy

.

I love you I need you I want you.

I hate feeling like I'm "outta the loop", like somebody knows something I don't...about me. And that is what is going on lately at work. So, it is with much anxiety that I announce I may have a big post after this weekend...or later...depending on how long the powers that be drag this thing out, this batch of intrigue, speculation, and questioning, served with a steaming cuppa' hot resentment and angst. Moving people around like chess pieces. It's good to mix things up.

I think... or I may just be suffering from paranoia. But I'm feeling the vibes.

Things are starting to line up, like all of the pointed looks while being asked vague but leading questions. Questions for which I don't have an answer. I look back on conversations and think, "Oh my gosh, is THAT what they were getting at, is THAT why they asked ..."

I've had it pretty good these last 10 years. I've loved my job. Loved it. I felt like I was led to it by Providence. It was where I was meant to be.
Five years ago I went from simply loving it, to needing it, when I went full-time to provide my family with health insurance. Then, it was something I was glad that I loved, because there was no going back, especially having joined the ranks of  The Cancer Patient.
And now, I want it, want it with an "I'll do anything baby, just don't leave me!" desperation.

Insert a thoughful pause, punctuated by small shoulder shrug, with raised eyebrows, here.

Let's hope I'm a little paranoid.

Old Friend

I have been thinking so often of an old friend lately, and for me that usually means something.

I have had dreams, intuitions, and other things that are meaningful to me and that have been "spot-on". While I don't consider myself psychic, by any means, I do have these experiences (for lack of a better word), that are unexplained and out of the blue.

These thoughts I was having were most strong last week and, being unable to contact my friend, I just hoped for the best and put them out of my mind. Then, the other night I on my way home from Parent Teacher Conference, I flipped on the radio and heard a little known artist on a nighttime Jazz program that I rarely, if ever, listen to.  Boy, that music took me back to the olden days, when we were friends. Then, today I saw something on MSN's home page that was strongly tied to this old friend and my thoughts were once again at the forefront.
SO...

On the very small chance that they might check my blog from time to time...

Old Friend,
Out of the blue, you've been strongly in my thoughts. I hope all is well for you and your family, that you are all happy, healthy... wealthy and wise : ) Just hope everything is good for you and that you still listen to Claude Bolling every now and then. Take care.

Your old friend, Cathy

Sundance with my BFFs.

 My friend Gail and I met up in Macey's parking lot, ready to head north through the elements. The rain of the morning with Shannon, had now turned to snow. Thank goodness, once again, we could wait  inside for the second Sundance movie of my day!

                                                                    Elena

Elena is a Russian film with subtitles. When I think about Russian movies, I think of something stark, depressive, with a nihilistic theme. I don't know how I developed this opinion, it's not as if I've seen a lot of Russian movies. I must have seen one sometime and it stuck with me, but honestly Elena was pretty much spot-on with my expectation. It was a tale about unfairness, about how this woman was sometimes powerless, how this woman found a solution and about how things are pretty much hopeless either way. Yes. It was a Russian movie.
It gave us a lot to think and talk about on the way home. Russian movie or not, it is a common story, crossing cultural lines about women in general. Universal themes such as what mothers give up for their  children and husbands, dependency, regret, feeling powerless, feeling over, and ever, responsible.

So! As we sat in our seats, people were filing in, filling every spot and I was telling Gail about Oxygen Woman. I'll be darned if she didn't appear right over Gail's shoulder, eyeing the open seat next to me! She glanced at me and moved on down the aisle, as I covertly hit Gail in the thigh and gave her a pointed "look" to alert her to what had just happened! Gail looked and turned to me with her own "pointed look", nodding!
"That's her! That's Oxygen Gal!!" I whispered to Gail with glee!

                                                          

                                                                  Fathers Chair

Sunday arrived, the sun shining! The snow was gone and, once again, I was heading north with one of my bffs to see a movie! Life is good! Bridgette agreed, that it was great to be out broadening our horizons together! Some of you may be thinking, " going to the movies instead of church!? Broadening your horizons? the horizon of HELL!"
Actually, I think "playing hooky"  may have added to the pleasure, the novelty of the excursion. But then, I'm bad, so...

Fathers Chair was, this time, not about a woman, but about a man with unresolved issues of abandonment. (can they ever be resolved?). He loses his son, journeys through the, mostly beautiful, countryside of southern Brazil to find his son and finds his father and himself in the process.  We both agreed that when his father explains " I can't hear you!" in a wood shop, after all the years of their estrangement, he really can't "hear him", never could, never will. And the relationship, should he continue it from there on out, will have to be based on that knowledge. His father isn't able to give him what he wants. Can he be happy with what he is able to give? Can he accept his father's inadequacies?

We stopped at the clean and retro Village Inn where Bridget treated me to a piece of Rhubarb pie. I know...Rhubarb?? It just sounded good, and it was! We solved the world's problems, discussing acceptance, forgiveness, the kindness of strangers, familial relationships and disappointments. Like I said, these movies really give you a lot of "food for thought"...but that doesn't mean you still don't need a nice piece of pie with your bff!

Oh! And guess who was there? I'll give you ONE guess. hahahaha

Sundance! I finally got tickets!

                                                  First movie- Middle of Nowhere

She gives up Med School to support her man while he's in prison and finds herself in the process.

Gourmandise Bakery, one of my faves!

Saturday morning, Shan drove up in a pouring rain, to pick me up a couple of hours before the movie. We figured 40 minutes before the film to be in line, 45 minutes to eat our scrumptious Gourmandise brunch, and half-hour to drive and find a place to park. Yes, we were women with a plan...and umbrellas!

The wait line was inside at Rose Wagner Theater and thank goodness, cause it was still cats and dogs outside! The theater filled, finally leaving only a few single seats open, one of which was next to Shan. Soon, down the aisle lumbers an older woman, trailing an oxygen unit beside her, the Pssss, Pssss, sound preceding her. Shan immediately starts to pray, "not this seat, not this seat..." Shan's a kind, compassionate person but the high, whistle-y pssss of a p.o.c. just hits her ears like a tiny dog whistle. But, sure 'nough the old gal takes the seat next to Shan. But whatever, Shan figures if she's got the gumption to make her way out to a movie or 20, she was wearing one of the platinum passes, good for her.  Then she proceeds to cough, and cough, the very deep, phlegm-y cough of my poor old grandma who died with emphysema. Then she proceeds, once the movie has started, to slowly and laboriously open some candy wrapped in the most child-proof, crackly, crinkly, material known to man.
 She has a large, opened bottle of water on her knee and about halfway through the movie, it proceeds to tip, first spilling over to pour onto Shan's upper pant leg, then falling to the floor and splashing up and soaking Shan's lower pant leg. Through it all, the poor woman really smelled like a Depends past its prime. Poor old gal...and poor Shan.
She figured maybe it was Jesus in disguise. You know, the "when did we see thee in prison..." thing, so she tried to cut the "Oxygen Woman" some slack. Shan's pants were soaked.

Anyway, we loved the movie! Great cast and very thought provoking. Watching Ruby discover her strength, seeing her eyes open, finding her voice, gave us so many things to talk about, like motivations, being blinded by love, family dynamics and other important things such as how hot the lead actor was. It has a super soundtrack that I hope will be released soon!  It was fun to see the stars in a question/answer session after, to hear their thoughts on making the film, on their characters. And it was especially fun to spend a rainy, Saturday morning with my girl amongst the cinophiles : )

Overheard in...

Fried chicken from Smith's, steamed fresh broccoli, instant mashed potatoes, rolls.


Mad-  "Ughhh, this chicken is terrible! Is it okay to eat? How old is this chicken, it's soo dry? Where did you buy this chicken?"

Calm- "Smiths. It was on my way home."

Mad- "Well, it's the worst chicken I've ever eaten, geez, it's awful! What's the date on it?"

 Calm- "I don't know. It's from the chicken place, the deli guy put it in the bag from the big pile o' chicken."

Mad- "Well, it's terrible. Ugh it's so dry. This is yesterday's chicken!  Worriedly- This won't make us sick, will it!?

Calm- "I'm sure it's fine."

Mad- "Well, this chicken is the wors..."

Calm- Still fairly calm "Shut Up about the chicken! So it's not the best chicken, sheesh!"

Mad- "Didn't you look at it when they bagged it?"

Calm- "No, I didn't. I've been gone for 12 hours. I was hungry and tired and we needed dinner. You are welcome to fix dinner any Thursday when you know I have a late class."

Mad, -  Angrily  "Well, if you didn't want to cook dinner, why didn't you just say so!"

Calm- Silently, calmly, chews her dry chicken.  It was terrible chicken.

Overheard in...

Standing in line at Sizzlers, a 50-ish couple and a man in his late 20's.

1st person- "I'm going to get the Senior Special."
2nd and 3rd persons nod without judgement.
1st Person to 2nd person - "You should get the Senior Special, too."
Person #2 mildly grimaces and shakes her head.
Person #1- "The Senior Special comes with a free drink!"
2nd Person- "oh, I usually just get water anyway."
1st Person- "Yeah, but if you get the Senior Special, you can ask for water and then you can give your drink to 3rd person!" This said with a slight nod as he intently looks at 2nd person.
2nd Person aggravated now- "I'm not getting the Senior Special!
I... am... not...a  Senior!....and I don't look  like a Senior!"
1st Person has no reply, but you can tell he's miffed.

The waitress asks them, as they stand in line, for their order. 

1st Person- holding his hand half-way over his mouth as he "scratches" his nose, quickly and furtively, without making eye contact, says in a low voice - "I'll have the Senior Special."

omg!! It reminded me of something you'd see George Costanza do on Seinfeld! hehehe

 By the way,  drinks were not included, but were $1.99.