Time for School

The other day I was bemoaning the fact that I had to start back to school August 16th. I realize I am lucky to even get "the summer" off, but that doesn't make it any easier to go back once those 9 weeks are over, especially if you spent 6 of them getting radiation. Waa, waa, waa. Yes, I DO want some whine with my cheese!

All that aside, it is time for school. There is no denying it. Summer is over.
I have noticed the angle of the shadows have changed, the quality of light is different then high Summer. It's dark earlier and the sun is rising later, nights are cooler.
So, complain all I want, the season speaks for itself. Fall equals school.

Summer is the time I build relationships, visiting people I don't get to see very often and going to lunch with friends and relatives.
It is about the only time I shop for fun.
It is the time I usually pursuit some creative activity and enjoy cultural events.
Summer is the time I am outside.

I need to find a way to fit these activities in during the working portion of the year, dinner instead of lunch, indoor concerts in the place of outdoors, quick weekend trips. Shop on my way home from school and don't wait til Saturday to clean and grocery shop. Yeah! that's it! I'll let you know how it goes.

In the meantime, I am at school. Next week will bring the students and after a week it will feel like I was never gone. I love my job!

Summer of the Gamma Rays is Officially Done, Finito, Complete!

This morning I took my last daily 9 mile ride up State Street to the IMC Cancer Center for my last radiation treatment. For 6 weeks I made the trip, enjoying our beautiful, sometimes rainy finally hot, Utah Summer mornings. The usual soundtrack accompanying this roadtrip was some fine KRCL tunes or the companionship of Kerry, Bill and Gina.
In the mornings I felt energetic, glad to be up and busy at 8:00 a.m. Then as the day progressed, like a wind-up monkey beating his drum ever slower, I'd tire and slow down. That is, until the last 2 weeks. By then I wasn't quite as chipper in the morning and by the afternoon, I was in a tired fog. The skin under my breast and my armpit were burnt, purple, crack-y, yeah, it hurt. My wardrobe was adjusted to allow for maximum comfort and on the occasions when I felt like I had to wear a good bra to be presentable, I'm sure the people around me were wondering what I was doing fidgeting so much with my armpit. I didn't care.
My usual Radiology team: Carolann, Kimberley and Mark (here's where the tears start) were so sweet to me, so kind, friendly and professional. When you see people every day for 6 weeks, topless, a bond grows. I know they must see over 30 patients a day, but they still made me feel like I was important, not just another broken boob on a table. I know that, having rang the "finished bell", I will soon be replaced with another unfortunate soul with cancer. Odds are, from studying the demographics of my waiting roommates; a middle aged woman  much like me, or a 65+ man, will take my seat awaiting their turn to be cured by otherwise deadly radiation.

What can I take from this experience?

It is always best to put your happy face forward and act better than you feel, until a true friend comes along and knowingly let's you cry on their shoulder.
Everyone is fighting a hard battle, so be nice.
I really do eat when I'm tired and should be resting. Rest instead and don't let yourself feel useless.
and finally...
When you are traveling along life's highway, even to an unpleasant destination, enjoy the beauty along the way. Utah mornings are mighty pretty!

My life doesn't look like this...

this picture is not from blog mentioned in post, only used as an example of photography type

The following quote is for reals.  Not my "reals", but someone else's "reals". Someone from Hackensack.


"These next two weeks are crazy! I'm scrambling to get all my work finished before we leave for a family beach vacation in the Outer Banks of North Carolina, then off to France and Switzerland (sans Henry!) at the end of August. Plus, a couple of my girlfriends from NY and I are renting a little beach house just north of San Francisco for three nights this coming week and I'm giddy with excitement for a girls getaway. Hoping a little R&R will rejuvenate me for the next couple weeks of work."


I happened upon this entry from some random blog, you know the kind, beautifully shot, overexposed photos of pretty people living fabulously carefree, stylish, happy lives. Oh, I guess I shouldn't say carefree, there are  times (documented in one of the above mentioned photos) when "Henry" eats all of the Williams Sonoma Parisian Macaroons that grandmommy sent or he gets a sunburn while at grandmommy's charming cottage on Balboa Island.

I do hope though, that she is "rejuvenated for the next couple weeks of work". I have no idea what her "work" entails and I have no plans to go back and find out.

Just interesting to get a glimpse of how others live...and I am in a pissy mood.

That being said, I have to wonder why this bothers me. Am I jealous? My life is pretty darn good, even though I'm not jetting off to France or having a girl's weekend at a beach house..hell, I've never even had a girl's weekend. Unless you count the time me and Bridgette went down to my folks in Hurricane. hahahaha
Coolio said in his song Gangster's Paradise,  "too much television watchin' got me chasin' dreams".
Is that what happens when we look at these blogs? Life is good, we're happy, but if we look too long, pretty soon we're dissatisfied,  jealous, cynical...chasin' dreams?

I don't know. For now I'll chalk it up to being in a pissy mood. And maybe I need to take more pictures in over-expose mode.

I heart New York

I love being in the city, any city, so I loved the New York portion of our vacation.  We actually stayed in New Jersey and, each morning, walked half a block passing the neighborhood Catholic church and little mid-century houses to catch the bus into the city. Most of our fellow passengers, who sat reading, working on their laptops or dozing, were on their way into work. After going through the Lincoln tunnel, we got off at the Port Authority and a hop,skip and jump away, through teaming masses of people, we were in Time Square!

Some of my favorite New York things in no particular order...

I loved this! Talk about a "melting pot"! Right under the Statue of Liberty! This made me so happy and all patriotic!

Birds with french fries!  Yeah, they're happy.

Is this "New York" or what!?

                                               

Museum!!

Oh my gosh, the Architecture!

Oh my Gosh! The architecture with limousines!!

Crazy tourists

I want to go back!

Contributing to the delinquency of a minor

I took my 18.75 yr. old son to a movie the other day. We both just wanted to see something funny, so after a Chinese lunch, we headed over to the theater to see a movie that looked good on the t.v.ads. I was expecting the somewhat raunchy type of comedy found in  HangoverI (which I thought was hilarious) and Couples Retreat. Yeah it's off-color, but I being the crass, uncouth person that I am, enjoy that once in a while. Don, on the other hand, does not appreciate anything "crude". So, I figured I would see it with Ty.

Let me tell you, it was very uncomfortable! I thought people must be looking at us, thinking "I can't believe she would bring her son to see this!" (they weren't). Granted, he is an adult and HE was laughing out-loud.  I felt HORRIBLE having taken Ty to see such a vulgar, crude, downright nasty movie. There was no nudity or sex, just the most vulgar, crude talk and situations.

I apologized to Tyler afterwards and he said that he knew I was going to say that.
"It's okay Mom, I liked it. Don't feel bad, I'm a big boy, now."
Yes, you are big and grown -up. And I still feel bad!

The radiation is going well. I will have a couple of exhausted days in a row, thinking "oh no! Here it is!" Then it goes away and I feel great! I think after the weekend, it kind of hits me harder on Mon. and Tues. But by Wed. I feel okay! As they ready me for the gamma-rays, they drape a small towel over my chest, then pull on the center to form a deep,"V" between my breast. The other day I commented that it reminded me of the deep, cowl necked  style of the early 80's, that is now back in vogue. That night I went to a concert with Shan and what was the lady next to us wearing?

Speaking of the concert, I love concerts! They are one of the joys of my life, occasions where I feel my authentic self, I know that sounds kind of silly, but it's true. The David Gray concert was wonderful, at Kingsbury Hall, great seats, lush sounds and creative staging, just wonderful!

Vacation, Radiation

Wow, it's been almost a month since I last posted!
I loved New York and Nova Scotia! Hope to go back to NY now that I know what I want to see and kind of have an idea of how to get around. Taking the bus from New Jersey every morning worked out great and The Fails were very gracious hosts! Fun to spend some time with them and their little girls! On the flight to New York, Don was given a big bag of peanuts packets, don't ask me why. Anyway, when we got them I told Ty that I thought we should share them with everyone. His reply, a wry "Oh mom, always the Socialist", this delivered with a smile and a gentle pat on my shoulder. haha

Started Radiation, so far so good, only 5 days into it but I am optimistically anticipating just being "a little tired" Please, if you have been through radiation don't burst my bubble.

My first day, I emerged from the dressing room, my arms crossed in modesty, gown wrapped tightly around my boobs which were trying to enjoy their unfettered freedom by swaying freely. There were a few men in the waiting area and I thought to myself that "I wish they would make the men wait for patients in another area". The next day I saw the same men and realized I had, as usual, judged too quickly. They were patients themselves.

The actual radiation experience, at the risk of sounding irreverent, is a little...is "crucificatory" a word? When you lay upon the table, your feet are bound together, one over the other with a giant rubber-band to restrict your movement and your arms are raised above your head, hands crossed, gripping some bars. I'm sorry but the first time I assumed that position, a picture of some renaissance crucifixion illustration flashed through my head.

As the different screens/lenses/whatevers rotate over me, I am reminded of a microscope, the old fashioned kind. You had to turn the wheel of lenses for a closer look at the creature in the petri dish!
There is a backlit scene of blossoming trees and a cloud scattered blue sky above me, perpetually Spring. I have to admit that when the techs leave the room for their safety and I am alone with the machine and the cheery tableau above me, I sometimes fight a lump in my throat.

Last Thursday I had a cyst removed from my inner right eyelid... a torturous, horrific, awful experience. Came home with a huge, white patch and Don said he thought we should go out and get some dinner... "You've got to be kidding".

Next week more fun! It just gets better and better! Colonoscopy!! Stay tuned!

meh...

Hi friends!
I just haven't felt like writing...sorry.

Our New York/Canadian Cruise is coming up in just a week. I have travel anxiety.We will be gone for 11 days, tooo long for me. We had the sky miles to use, but in order to use them we had to make this convoluted plan because heaven forbid we pay CASH for a ticket!! Sky miles are soo hard to use! We are staying in New Jersey with Don's niece. There is a bus that stops on her corner and goes into the city with a 20 minute trip.  This worries me. Often, outings with Don are kind of like the Bataan Death March. He is able to go and go and I just can't tromp over New York from 9 - 9! Actually, Don and the boys went to Disneyland last week. They got there when the gates opened at 8 and got home at 11:30! I can't do that so... I worry. I just need to say "damnit I'm tired and we need to go back", right? Yeah...
We'll have two days before the cruise in N.J., then 5 day cruise to Nova Scotia, then two days after in N.J. I like a 5 day trip. I will keep you all posted.


I saw another doctor, a surgeon who specializes in breast and she thought radiation would work but wanted me to talk to the  radio-onc. The radio-onc, (whom I liked very much!) explained the Van Nuys scale to me and it's not about how cool and beach-y you are. The scale rates your age, cancer grade, area and margins and gives you a score. I scored 8-9.  10-12 would have called for a mastectomy. So I start radiation on the 27th of June, every morning at 8:15 for 6 weeks. I can hear many of you saying, "8:15!!" I chose the time, I'm an early riser. I was able to get my tattoos the same day and the c.t.scan. Now that I have 5 tats, I'm considering getting my tongue pierced.
The thing to remember is my cancer, dcis, is a very early cancer.

On a more fun note! I am going to at least two concerts this summer! Just got tickets to David Gray!! and K.D. Lang in August at Red Butte! I'd like to go to Death Cab For Cutie but am not wild about the venue. Maybe just buy the new album and listen to them out in the backyard on a pleasant summer night!
I could go on, but I won't. haha, there are times when I shouldn't write.